Bwari Boy

Dont look back, Keep Walking!!!!!

2010-02-09T03:08:00.001+01:00

A few months ago I qualified as a lawyer and I was called to the Nigerian Bar. Although it has always been my childhood dream, it felt and still feels like a bit of an anti climax. Perhaps, its what I had to experience before I could accomplish the goal.

Right from about the age of 9 or so I decided that I was going to be a lawyer. When other kids were changing their future ambition and hoping to be teachers, actors, firemen/policemen, lawyers, doctors and Michael Jackson all in one day, I stuck to my law and never wavered. While they were watching Tom and Jerry and other cartoons, I was busy watching law drama series and movies.

I watched Denzel Washington’s outstanding performance as Tom Hanks lawyer in the movie, "Philadelphia". In that role, Denzel was everything I hoped to be: charming, persuasive, eloquent and forthright – I was convinced I had found my calling. My most memorable part of the movie is when Denzel cross examines a witness and then ends with “Explain that to me like I am a four year old” after he has nailed the witness. I would go into our bathroom and pretend that it was a courtroom with the toothpaste on the left as the jury and the toothbrush on the right serving as the Judge and the mirror would be the witness that I was cross examining. I would also end my stellar performance in front of the mirror with “explain it to me like I am a four year old”.

By the time I got into secondary school, I was more aware about the happenings in the country. Abacha was the Head of State and his greatest opposition was from the lawyers. In particular one man stood out, the late Gani Fawehinmi. He was known as the conscience of the nation. My muslim name is Gani and so when anyone asked why I wanted to be a lawyer, I would be like “Duh, my name is Gani” as if everyone whose name is Gani is a lawyer or destined to be one. My Dad took me to the chambers of a prominent lawyer and told him I wanted to be a lawyer. The lawyer gave me advice and the most money I had ever received in my life at that time. I thought that if a lawyer could give so much money to a young boy he was meeting for the first time, the lawyer and all lawyers must be very rich. "I must to be a lawyer o! Who know want plenty money!!!! "

As I was a shy kid, I began to participate in public speaking contests, drama and debates to polish my lawyerly skills. I also started speaking like a lawyer, in other words, chatting shit or twisting arguments. If someone in school said something nasty about me, I would say “you have just slandered me”. If someone said something untrue, I would shout “fallacy”. If I was caught disobeying the school rules and I was asked to explain myself, I would say “I plead the fifth”. If anyone complimented me for what I wore or anything else , instead of saying thank you, I would say “guilty as charged”.

Eventually, I got into university to study my darling law. The first week was like hell. I found the lectures so boooooooooring. I thought it would get better but it got worse. My mind wandered during every lecture and I really became disillusioned with law. It was a struggle reading my textbooks – I read everything else but my textbooks. Nonetheless, I scaled through my first and second year exams. However, in my final year, I made a silly mistake during the exam period that cost me dearly and so I failed. I couldn’t graduate with my peers and I would have to redo my finals the next summer. I felt crushed. I had never had to do redo exams since I started primary school and it particularly hurt that it was when I was on the verge of getting my law degree that this had to happen.

I didn’t know how to handle it all and I was terribly sad although I maintained a strong exterior. My family was wonderful. They stood by me and encouraged me. My Dad told me that even in my pain, I must learn to share in other people’s joy – He gave me money and asked me to host friends who were graduating in the flat. I obeyed him and for three consecutive weekends, I had a mini shindig for graduating friends. Some of these friends were great too. They were churning positive phrases by the second - “delay is not denial”, “its not how low a man falls but how high he rises again", "turn your hurts into halos", "turn your failure into fortune" etc etc etc. They might as well have been speaking Swahili or talking dirty- all their words were going right over my head.

I just kept wondering why ? why me ? why now? I took my finals again the next year and I passed but it wasn’t like I had exceptional results. I never quite recovered from the pain of the previous year. Sometimes life is going to hit you with a brick. It really comes in different forms and it could be failure, loss, regret, sickness or whatever. Dont make the mistake I made : dont wallow in self pity and be so focused on the pain or loss that you let the past hurt your present and jeopardise the future. Christians will say "let go and let God!"and it has always worked for me. My God has been incredibly faithful.

Sadly, this blog has to come to an end. It was supposed to be a journal about my law school experience for most of my friends who are not here. Truth be told, my friends hardly read the blog. If there are no pictures of hot chicks, its hard to get them to read anything. However, fellow bloggers read and commented most times. I am grateful to you all, you made blogging fun. I wish you all the best as you walk your unique path through life: remember dont look back, just keep walking!

Mama Ni Yen (2)

2009-08-25T12:22:00.001+01:00

Its a little late but I was busy preparing for exams. Enjoy.

1) A female counsel stood up to move an application. After she had spoken for a while, Mama asked her "How are you doing Elizabeth?". Counsel replied and said "I am fine ma but my name is not Elizabeth." Mama said "This one that you are speaking with an accent, I thought you were the Queen of England." The lady replied with a smile that its her natural accent. Mama then asked what university she went and she said OAU Ife. Mama shouted "this one that you are blowing yeye fone and grammar, you did not even study abroad, all this your accent is from watching television. Ok now we know you have dstv in your house, please speak to me like a Nigerian".

2) The lawyer was questioning his client as a witness in a divorce case. Everytime the witness was asked a question, he would go off on a tangent explaining why he hated his wife so much and end up not answering the question. His lawyer would tactically answer the question for him. This is not allowed, A lawyer can only question but not answer.After a while, Mama got angry and asked whether the lawyer was the witness? She told the lawyer that if he was so keen to answer the questions, he can go and divorce his own wife and then he'll be entitled to be a witness.

3) A lawyer was cross examining a witness in a divorce case. She was in tears but he kept tearing her apart with his nasty questions.Most folks were irritated with the lawyer's approach but we could not do anything. Mama descended into the arena and told the lawyer to chill but he was still grandstanding. She then told him to shut up and stop blaming the woman as if the man wasn't guilty. She asked if the woman was the only guilty party and the lawyer said "I wouldn't know". Mama said "you wouldn't know because upon all your gra gra, you are a woman not a man. In other words, you are a coward."

4) In the case above, the lawyer accused the wife of something nasty. Then Mama started singing "E ma ba mi le iyawo mi lo, oto ni ejo ti e ro, oto ni ejo ti e da, e ma bi le iyawo mi lo, amebo shut up your mouth, amebo shut up your mouth".(Someone pls translate).

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS AD

2009-06-15T19:17:00.000+01:00

I should post the second part of Mama ni yen but that will come later in the week. I just have to post this ad that I saw on page 82 of today's punch.

A man is wanted for committing fraud to the tune of 46.1million naira and below is how the Nigerian Police describe the man.

"Occupation:Banker, Tribe:Yoruba, Age:49yrs, Nose: Upturned, Height:5.8, Mouth:Large, Lips:Thick, Build:Heavy, Teeth:Good, Face:Oval,Eye:Brown, Complexion:Dark, Chin:Round, Hair:Thick, Head:Large, Forehead: High, Habits and mannerisms:Playful and reading novel, Dress:English and Yoruba, Place frequented:Beer parlour"

Mama ni yen (1) !!!!

2009-06-12T10:19:00.002+01:00

This is the term that we used to hail the Judge whose court I've been attached to in the past weeks. Judges are reputed to be firm, stern and boring. Our Judge aka Mama ni yen was everything but boring. Frankly I think she missed her calling: she should have been an entertainer.These are some of my memorable moments from Mama's court.

1) A lawyer stood up to open his case and first praised Mama for some awards she had just been given.He then asked that in view of modern practice where women are now being accepted at the Bar, would it be more appropriate to address her as "My lady" instead of "My Lord". Mama snapped. "Which yeye modern practice?, why is it that only men ask me this question? It is because they are not comfortable calling a woman My Lord. Whether you like it or not, I am your Lord." She then pointed to every male lawyer in court and chanted "I AM YOUR LORD, I AM YOUR LORD" to each and every one of them.

2) A soldier was being cross examined by a lawyer and he lost his temper and shouted at the lawyer. Mama just shouted "ehn, ehn, where do you think you are ? This is not the barracks o! Ma ju e si ewon lo ni (I will throw you in jail today). "Go and ask your seniors at the barracks about me, mo man juwon si ewon sere ni, ma ni ki won ti cell yen pa ko ju key yen nu.( I throw them in jail for fun, I'll ask them to lock up the cell and throw the key away). Soldier knelt down and started begging for forgiveness. I guess he had met his match.

3) A counsel closed her case and Mama said her closing remarks were good and that the counsel was also looking beautiful. Opposing counsel who was male stood up to complain that Mama said the female lawyer was beautiful. Mama's reply was " If I say she is beautiful, what is your business? Or you want to marry her? Is it my fault that you are not as beautiful". Everyone in court just burst into laughter.

4) A couple came to court for a divorce. It was a complex case sha but after hearing, Mama retired to write her judgement and we(students) followed her to her office. The female students now raised the point that from the couple's demeanour, they did not want a divorce. They suggested that Mama should get together with the couple and try and reconcile them. Mama said "Look at my head properly, Does it say Archbishop Desmond Tutu reconciliation committee or Justice Oputa panel, won wa kin tun won ka, ma si tu won ka. (They came to court to be separated/torn apart and I will do just that.

As usual, we hailed! Mama ni yen!

Lily livered law students !!!

2009-06-03T23:16:00.000+01:00

"IT TAKES 15 TREES TO PRODUCE THE AMOUNT OF PAPER THAT LAW SCHOOL USES TO WRITE ONE EXAM. JOIN US IN RE-BRANDING AND SAVING NIGERIAN TREES... SAY NO TO BAR FINAL EXAMS" ANON

I have been forwarding the message above as a text message to my friends who are all stressed out because bar finals is fast approaching. I was expecting them to jump at this golden opportunity but their responses have been largely uninspiring.

"Right after you darling", "lol,let me know how it goes", "you are on your own" and "let's get our certificate first and we can then rebrand" are some of the responses I've received. What kind of spineless lawyers are we breeding ? Lawyers were at the forefront in Nigeria's struggle for independence. Lawyers fought the military regimes in Nigeria to a stand still.

I fear for my own generation. They can't even be counted on to stand up against an exam we all dread. Society should not expect much from them.

Orisirisi !!!

2009-05-21T07:51:00.003+01:00

Orisirisi when translated to English means all sorts. That's what I experienced 2 weeks ago. I should have blogged about it in my last post but I had to first pay tribute to the world's greatest airline.

I went to MTN's office to solve a problem with my phone. There was only one baba in front of me. I didn't pay much attention till I heard him say " I WILL NOT GO TODAY TILL I COLLECT MY ONE MILLION NAIRA".
The gbeborun in me woke up.The MTN staff was telling the man that he would call security. The man told him to go ahead and then he lay on the floor saying no one will move him. He said "MTN give me the one million I won". The MTN staff, obviously annoyed, said "you did not win anything its a scam". The man said but the text has your "wesbite" on it. MTN staff corrected him and said its called a website, the website on that text is not MTN's website and we don't text our winners, we call them.

It dawned on me that the man got a text saying that he had won 1million naira in one of MTN's promotional bonanzas but the text was not from mtn and so he had not won anything. Poor Baba! He probably spent all his money the day before buying drinks for his friends thinking he was a millionaire. Maybe he was rude to his landlord, Maybe he planned to marry another wife, maybe ..... Baba thought he was a millionaire and he came to MTN with a retinue of people. Sadly, he left in tears.

I was driving back from court the next day and I stopped at Butterfield's bakery to get piping hot bread to keep me company whilst navigating through horrible traffic.I had to sit at the lobby for them to bring the bread from the oven. As soon as I sat the guy next to me said with a strong american accent "My o my, what a handsome,adorable man you are .. the last time I saw a face so beautiful and radiant was during Obama's inaugaration" and then he sort of caressed my hand.

Why o why? Why isn't a babe telling me this ? My initial thought was that gay guys are more bold these day. I wished I was wearing a shirt that said "No offence sir, I like boobs and you don't have any". I just pretended to the guy that I did not understand english and politely stood up. It turned out he was trying to sell me something but don't come at with that kind of style next time.

The other day, I went to the market to get some cds. By the time I got back to the car, one of the tyres had been clamped so I could not move.Some men wearing the state waste management authority uniform approached me. Apparently, I should not have parked where I did and my fine was N25 000.

I asked them if there was a no parking sign there or around there. They said NO! I asked if the car was obstructing traffic, they said NO. So I asked in yoruba "Bawo ni e se le dagba toyi ke ma le lorun?" (how can you be so old and not be able to think?). Actually, I wanted to say "how can you be so old and so daft?"but my yoruba failed me at that moment.In any case, they were waste management people, should they not be responsible for ensuring the dirty city is clean instead of clamping innocent people's car.

They did not budge. I told them I did not have the money. So they said they will take anything. I told them that I had nothing and that they could take the car. I spoke to their conscience and eventually started walking off mumbling that I was going to get my whole household to swear for them. It shall not be well with them! They quickly called me back and said I could drive the car. They probably thought I am a member of some powerful babalawo family.

Aero Wonderful! Aero Beautiful! Aero Marvellous!

2009-05-18T09:06:00.001+01:00

If I was paid N1 for every time I heard the phrase "credit crisis" or "economic meltdown", I will be a millionaire now. My response has always been "economic meltdown, what economic meltdown?, not in naija men. We really don't have a credit culture, few mortgages etc.

I've been eating my words lately. Everything is on the high side these days and I've been told "economic meltdown" is responsible.Fuel is scarce and selling at N100 instead of N65. Na meltdown and subsidy something cause am.

I went to a supermarket to get the things I had priced the week before and the prices had gone up. The exercise book was N1000(from 750), shaving blades were N1650(from N1000) and rechargeable lamp was N3 500(from N2 500). I didn't plan for this increase and so dropped an item but I was warned by the shop attendant that its price might have risen the next time I come to buy.

Then Aerocontractors (Nigerian airline known as AER0 ) came into the scene to buck this horrible trend of price increases.It started some weeks before vals day and Aero was selling its tickets at N2 500 return. As in this was cheaper than luxurious buses. Men, love was in the air (no pun intended). Since then aero has still kept its prices low so far you buy the tickets 2 weeks in advance. Its flights within Nigeria cost as little as N7000 return whilst other airlines are still charging between 16000 and N22 OOO.You can also go to Ghana for N7 OOO too.

These shop owners can raise their prices all they like. I will just wait till the end of the month and fly into Ghana one morning to buy all the things I need and then get the evening flight back. It might work out cheaper. Now, that's a thought!

Bwari, My Bwari (2)

2009-05-04T12:42:00.011+01:00

Bwari Supermarket (Again????!!!!) ( Sorry I could not resist)

Bwari Pottery

Bwari Pottery products on display

Kitchen products and other stuff made by Bwari Pottery

Some of our pets

Vases (I think...sorry I am not cultured) from Bwari Pottery

Some of our cribs

The Bwari Child

Bwari Area Council (Our Aso Rock, White House, 10 Downing Street, Alausa etc)

Bwari, My Bwari (1)

2009-04-30T16:04:00.007+01:00

Usuma Dam ( My favourite place around here )

Stella Obasanjo Child Care Trust (only street without a pothole in Bwari)

Nigerian Law School Entrance ( U like?)

Bwari Supermarket (apologies if you were expecting something like Amigos or Shoprite)

HERO !

2009-04-17T11:43:00.005+01:00

I am currently writing a business plan and the business plan guide I am using has a self- assessment section. One of the questions it asks is Describe yourself in one word?. I cant find the right word and so I walk into the kitchen and say “Mummy, describe me in one word apart from CHARMING”.

My mum laughs out loud. She must be clearly overwhelmed by my charm. I move over to my Dad who is in a completely different part of the house and rephrase the question to “Describe me in one word”? His response was CHARMING. Phew! Even obvious to the blind. My mum joins us later and tells me I am “humble but arrogant”. "Its not your place to say you are charming", she says. First of all Mother, (notice the rapid slide from Mummy to Mum to Mother), that your description is a paradox and it is 3 words. Secondly, I was stating a fact. How about pleasant? My father concurs. My mum disagrees. "You are only pleasant to people you like, I see you more as focused than anything else".

You will be wrong for thinking only these positive words are used to describe me. Other terms like "reclusive bastard”, “weird”, “under G”, “anti social”, “bloody wanker” , “nuisance” have been thrown in for good measure and used to describe me. It really depends on who you speak to. Yet, all I ever wanted to be was a HERO. In primary school, I got my friends and foes to make up a song for me. Every time I walked into class, I was hailed with this chant, “Bwari Boy! Bwari Boy!The Hulk Hogan”. Then my head will swell to the point of bursting. Then I fell in love. At least I was convinced it was love. I wanted to be her HERO.

After summoning the courage to speak to her, she gave me a unique response. Not the usual “YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE” or “I WILL THINK ABOUT IT” that Nigerian girls famously gave in those days. She said "you are nice but I like guys with a bit of meat". I am convinced that she had no clue what this meant but was only re-echoing something she heard on tv or heard from her older sisters. Nonetheless, I was not deterred.

YOU WANT MEAT BABY, I WILL GIVE YOU MEAT. I heard some adults say that drinking coke daily will make you fat. So I started drinking coke daily. I begged, borrowed and stole so I could have my daily dose of coke and okin biscuit. After a while, I still wasn’t Schwarzenegger so I upgraded to maltina which I heard made you fat too. My dressing changed as well. I started wearing more sleeveless tops and basketball jerseys so my lover could see my exquisite muscles (think Popeye). I look back now and I laugh. Ah! The things we do for the approval of others. Not sure whether it was peer pressure, insecurity or sheer stupidity but I was a victim and 1st class people pleaser.

As I grew older, I realised my ambition to be a HERO was just a fantasy but somehow I reconnected with another HERO. Then I became a recipient of unconditional love. I became remarkably self assured. It didn’t really matter what people thought anymore. Then I became free. Free to be me and boy! Did I push the freedom envelope. I became less materialistic and it did not matter if I bought my clothes from Tejuosho Market, Carrefour or Asda. As long as I wasn’t naked, I was pleased.

My Hero is called the father of the fatherless, friend to the poor, merciful one, Prince of peace or Saviour of the world. His name is JESUS. I am not attempting to preach here nor present myself as holier than thou. A couple of days ago, My mum was complaining about the kind of music I listen to. She had a point. I cant explain why my most played artists are Tupac and Joe ( its All that I am and not All the things your man wont do o!). Lets not even talk about my jamaican dancehall collection. I guess I am still work in progress. Neither is every experience with Christ pleasant. On good Friday, I was told about the death of a family friend’s son who was too young to go. Over the weekend, the man who I was hoping would be the professional consultant for the very business I am planning for had a heart attack and died. I had read his interviews and watched him on tv. He was a young achiever, so full of promise, so full of life. Yet it was cut short. My easter was just there from then on.

Nonetheless, the Easter story is a wonderful one. Its the story of a loving God who never gave up. His love never gave up. His love never looks back and his love never dies. I write to express my appreciation for the gift of love and the joy and peace that he has given me. Its belated but ...... Happy Easter!

Help! I've been cursed!!!

2009-03-29T22:20:00.002+01:00

Someone has cursed me! As we say here, someone has jujued/jazzed me! I suspect Afeez. He prefers to be called "Engineer Afeez". "Engineer Afeez" is the handyman who fixes car a/cs in Bwari. His business card reads Engineer Afeez, Chairman Afeezola Group of Companies. Then the business card goes on to list each company in Afeez’s empire. “Afeezola Engineering”, Afeezola Electrical, Afeezola Electric repair, Afeezola AC repair international”.

I had a problem with my car a/c and so I was directed to Afeez. As soon as I met him, it was obvious that he was a man with an exaggerated view of himself. He told me that he was a busy man but gave me his business card and asked me to call him to fix an appointment. “Oga Afeez, I don’t want to waste credit calling you, please tell me a convenient time for the appointment and I will come back then.” but he insisted I must "follow protocol".

I went back to school and then gave him a call only for him to tell me to come back in 30mins. I was angry. I mean he could just have told me to come back in 30mins, I didnt need to call him. I got there in 30mins and he was not there. I waited for a while and when it was getting too long, I called him and he told me not wait for him, he was fixing the car a/c of “Senator ABC who is a VIP and na big customer”. I called him the next day and we had a gentlemanly chat. He said he could squeeze me at the end of the day after finishing the work he is doing on “ the Minister of so and so’s” fleet of cars.

I got there at the appointed time but Afeez was nowhere to be found. I called several times but he didn’t pick up. I asked a guy who worked there where I could find Afeez. He said he didn’t know. I gave him N50 and his memory suddenly came alive. He directed me to a beer parlour that was neatly tucked in a corner opposite Afeez’s shed. I got there and Afeez was downing a bottle of star. He said I should call the next day to fix a time but from my previous experiences, I knew I could call and he could tell me nonsense like he is in America fixing “Obama’s a/c”. I promised to buy him 3 bottles of star if he fixed the a/c that evening and the offer worked. He did some work on the a/c and it started working. I paid him and he asked about the bottles of beer. "U don see mugu! My friend, get out of the car jo. You made me wait endlessly while you were enjoying your beer”. He felt duped!!!

The a/c worked properly in the morning but it stopped being effective by the afternoon when it became really hot. I had to go back to Afeez. I was certain that he would still be displeased about what occurred the previous day and may not want to fix it. My friend recommended that I go to Bwari market to hire a few thugs. He asked me to supply them with enough ogogoro and take them to Afeez’s shed to “shake him”. "By the time they shake him properly, he will fix your a/c well", my friend concluded. I settled for the less confrontational option of going with an elderly student in his own car. The elderly man pretended that his jeep had an a/c problem but Afeez could only fix it on our campus as the man had an important meeting there. Afeez jumped into the car. None of the nonsense of booking appointment etc. We went to our campus and drove straight to the police station on campus where my car was parked and its a/c waiting to be fixed.

Two policemen were standing by the car. We had become friends when I gave them a lift to Bwari weeks back. The elderly student dropped us and sped off. I told Afeez to please fix my a/c again. Anger was written all over his face but with 2 police officers watching over him, he had to work. After a while, he said the a/c had been fixed. I tested it but it was not cool enough and told him to please do it again. “Let it be so cool so that anyone who is in the car while it is on can easily sleep off”.

Since then I have been suffering from the most acute form of sleeping sickness. I sleep in class. I sleep in the library. I sleep immediately after siesta and the other day, I was nodding off whilst driving. I knew things were really bad one day when I went to the toilet to sit on my throne and before I knew it I was snoozing there too. The funny thing is I am not tired or exhausted, just permanently sleepy. I was complaining to my room mate about this sleeping disease and he advised me to “take it to the Lord in prayer”. I tried that too and I said “In Jesus Name” and slept off only to wake up the next morning to add the “Amen”.

Now I am worried that I am sleeping my future away. I need help. Any ideas? Eating the humble pie and going to pacify Afeez is not an option. Also drinks like lucozade boost, ribena, red bull and coffee have not worked so far. I have drank them and still slept immediately afterwards.

How to motivate Men to buy law books ?

2009-03-19T06:58:00.003+01:00

In class the other day, A lecturer wanted to sell us his newly written textbook. Whilst most students did not echo it out loudly, I am sure they were thinking “Oh no – not another latin riddled book with so much legal mumbo jumbo or legal mama jama (make your choice). I am not buying it jo".

Actually, our lecturer was feigning some form of false modesty. He got his colleague to come up and market the book to students. I think his colleague did a great job, at least he succeeded in blowing some big big grammar. However, he left out a crucial piece of information. He finished his sermon and prepared to leave his pulpit when students all chorused “HOW MUCH?”. His reply was "only N2 500". This time the students did not curse the author under their breath – they loudly protested that the cost was too much. He then made the points below.

You don’t look at these things in term of the price but in terms of value. Hmm, He got our attention. For the gentlemen here, say you meet a pretty lady on the campus and you are interested & you want to take her out (Now, he really had my attention). You have to take her to Abuja town as there is nowhere to take her to in Bwari. If you take a cab from here to town, it will cost you at least N3 000 to and fro. That is more than the price of this book. Point Made!

Say you don’t even have a car and you cannot get to borrow one. You have to go by public transport. As she is a lady and you want to give her some measure of comfort, you will have to go in an El-Rufai. (El Rufai is the name given to the coach like buses in the FCT. That will cost you N200 to and fro. You will have to pay for her journey too, as she wont be sitting on your lap just yet. You might need to take one of those small taxis from the bus park to either Tantalizers or Mr Biggs. That should cost you another N200 to and fro for both of you.

When you are in Mr Biggs/Tantalizers, you know women now they cannot eat food without chicken. If she chooses fried rice and chicken, at my conservative estimate that should cost N750. You are not going watch her eat alone are you? If you choose, you are likely to choose the same thing she chose and that is another N750. After the food, you being the gentleman will ask her if she wants anything else and she being a lady will either ask for Ice cream or order a meal that she can bring back here to Bwari in a takeaway pack. By the time you add all the costs, it would be over N2 500. Again, more than the price of this book. Point made!

Now if you have a car, at least you have to fuel it for the journey to town. 10 litres is about N650. Your pretty chikita may take the liberty of inviting two of her other friends as a journey to town is always a treat for you students. Of course, when they appear for the trip you will not be pleased as their presence would spoil whatever plans you had for the evening at worst, or at best, increase the costs you might have to bear. Of course, you wont be seeing them as your love interest’s 2 friends, you will seem them as either as 2 intruders or 2 witches. There is not much you can do about it as their friend is your target and their impression of you is important. No doubt, that you will equally spend more than N2 500.

In all of these scenarios, you have invested about or over N2 500 of your money with no guaranty of success. You dont know if the lady is fertile soil or not and if your efforts will succeed in bearing fruit. Women can eat your chicken & Ice cream even when they know you dont have a chance. If you buy this book, it is yours. It will stand by you. You can read it and it should help your understanding of this course and improve your performance at the bar finals.

During the break, I went to the law school bookshop (not to buy the book I promise) and I saw a long queue of men waiting to buy the textbook. My goodness! They had seen the light!

My N150 challenge

2009-02-28T22:17:00.003+01:00

I don’t make new year resolutions. There are so many things I would like to change or improve in my life but I have noticed that when I make these resolutions, I break them almost immediately. However, I was willing to make an exception this year. My resolution was that I will meet this global economic crisis, Head on! Na fire for fire o.

During the xmas holiday, My mum showed me a newspaper interview granted by a respectable Nigerian banker. The banker said the global economic crisis would negatively affect us and he warned Nigerians to be cautious. One memorable quote I took from his interview was “you don’t stop a tidal wave by carrying a bucket”. Kai! I am in hot soup o. This man is predicting some bad sturvz men, I need to take drastic measures.

I stopped reading Thisday style (ok temporarily) and re-read books like “Think and Grow Rich”, “Richest Man in Babylon”, “Tough times don’t last but tough people do” and “Rich Dad Poor Dad” to get ideas on how to protect my fortune. (Dont ask me what fortune? Please let me continue deluding myself). You must learn to legitimately make, manage and multiply your money, these books said to me. But how can I make money as a student?

I thought of employing someone who would buy phone recharge cards in bulk at a discount and then sell it to students: Mum said it was a crap idea. I thought of supplying bread like Big Treat/Butterfield to the retailers on campus: friends thought it was too elitist. I thought of buying a bike and employing someone to be an Okada rider in Bwari while I reap the profits. Parents said bikes were too dangerous and asked what would happen if my Okada rider rode/ran away with my bike. As I was finding it hard to conceive an exceptional idea that will keep me smiling to the bank, I thought it was best to adopt another recurring theme in these books and this was to “live beneath your means”.

Yes ke! “Live beneath my means” was now my motto for 2009. No more meatpies daily. Ice cream can only be bought once a month. I will eat Cabin biscuit instead of shortbread. Car will be washed thrice a week instead of daily. I will shop more often at the market instead of the supermarket etc etc.(Are you feeling sorry for me yet). I thought I was doing well until one bug-a-boo who thinks he is my friend asked if I could live on N150 daily. “Of course”, I bellowed. Well, lets bet and see you try it tomorrow. Kai! This stupid mouth of mine that opens before I think has put me in trouble. My ego was at stake and I did not want Mr Bug-a-boo to make a mockery of me. I submitted my cash, my atm card and braced up for the challenge.

NEXT DAY
7.00am –Crooksy walked into my room to announce that I had a flat tyre and I couldn’t use my spare tyre as it wasnt properly patched. He needed N250 to patch it. The devil is a liar. If I pay N250 to patch the tyre, then I have lost the bet even before the day begins. I told Crooksy to forget about patching the tyre. I’ll walk to school today. Crooksy asked if my head was intact? Idiot! It is his head that is not intact. He said he will go and pray that the strong harmattan wind does not blow me away as I walk to class.

7.10am – My plan for the day was to buy a big N120 loaf, eat it all day and then go back and announce to Mr Bug-a-boo that I even lived on less than N150. However, I went from stall to shop at the mammy market and all the loaves were N180 and above. After costing all the cheap biscuits, I settled for the 3 for N20 Malted Milk biscuit deal. So I had biscuits and water for breakfast. Nothing do me! At least, I have N130 remaining for lunch and dinner.

7.45am – I was not allowed to enter the lecture auditorium as my shoes were dirty. Unknown to me, they had gathered dust whilst I was roaming mammy market looking for breakfast. I walked to my hostel to polish my shoes and then walked back to the auditorium. By now, the little energy I got from the biscuits had reduced sharply.

9.40am – Serious hunger started to catch me and my stomach was preparing to rumble. You see it makes noise when its empty. At first it was just a few sounds but by 10am, the full stomach orchestra was dishing out some melodious tunes. I got menacing looks from the girl sitting next to me but I always smiled back. I hoped my smile said “I had biscuits for breakfast. Look on the bright side sweety, at least I’m not farting”.

11.00am – Break time and I hitched a ride to mammy market. I needed a cure for the stomach noisemaking. After some rigorous thought, I settled for buying a N20 wrap of garri. To cut costs, I had to forgo buying sugar with it. At least, I still had N110 for lunch or dinner. I soaked the garri in a huge bowl with lots of water and sang the prayer of Jabez “Oh that you would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory”. The garri swelled and I marvelled at my own ingenuity. It was a feast. Hunger cured.

4.00pm – I was hungry again. I had thought I could hold till about 6pm so I would just have a big dinner but not so. The cheapest restaurant was selling the cheapest meal ( a plate of rice and meat for N130). Can I pay N110 for the N130 meal? How much is it without the meat? Can you sell me a half plate instead and I’ll pay half price? After some persuasion, they agreed to sell me half plate with no meat for N75. I am sure this was a first for them. Then it was time to pay and I could only see N60 in my pocket? My other N50 note had simply vanished. Can I pay N60 for this N75 half plate? Sadly, I was out of luck and I was kicked out of the place.

4.15pm- I went to Mama Indomie’s place with the intention of buying her N50 Indomie. Unfortunately, her stall was closed. My last option was to go back and buy the N20 wrap of garri. At least, I can also afford to buy N20 sugar with it this time. Whilst I was buying the garri, the shop attendant told me that the juices I had been bugging them for had arrived. Why is the Dangote Group doing like this? I was hooked on their Dansa fruit juices. Just when I was thinking of going to rehab to cure this addiction, they outdid themselves by introducing some exotic flavour combinations(Peach, Pineapple and Coconut, Tropical ,Orange and Mango etc). As if that was not enough, they had just introduced this delightful Ziza Milk drink into the market. ALL THESE DRINKS WERE IN THE SHOP.

This was the last lap but I had a serious dilemma. Should I buy the garri and probably win my bet or Should I just jump at these lovely delicious drinks that I had been craving to drink for a while? I stuck to the garri and soaked it in a mighty pool of water to enlarge and I drank it. I won my bet. I went to bed early. I must confess though that I did not sleep well. I had far more garri than my stomach could contain and it was just swimming in the ocean of water in my stomach all night. Guess the first thing I did the next day when the limitation on my spending had been taken away.

Mama Indomie !!!

2009-01-30T06:53:00.004+01:00

The objective was simple – I went to the library to read my books. I turned up at the library and as for the other objective, lets just say it was one of those days. The contents of the book did not just get into my head. I tried reading the book normally. No luck! I tried reading and jotting, No luck! I tried reading the book upside down, No luck! I imagined that the two ladies next to me were Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie and sitting next to such hotties should motivate me to read, still no luck!

I left the library frustrated and a tad bit depressed. Then Mama Indomie came to the rescue. She is my favourite person on the law school campus. Her claim to fame is that she sells Indomie Noodles. Her indomie centre is located in one small room in the school’s only shopping mall. (I am still trying 2 figure out why it is called a shopping mall given the fact that it is a single building with one small room as a supermarket and an even smaller room which Mama Indomie and her stove shares with another guy who sells shawarma.

I went to order a shawarma and Mama Indomie says “shawarma again, this is year 2009”. Then she says “My Brother let me pray for you”. I am like why now ? There is a little queue in there and she says loudly that last year “Monday, you chop shawarma, Tuesday shawarma etc till she satisfactorily lists all the days to prove that I ate shawarma daily. This isn’t accurate but the point is that she has a bone to pick with me because I have never bought her Indomie. She concludes and says “I must sell Indomie to you today In Jesus Name”.

Her prayer doesn’t quite move me, I stick to my shawarma order. Other folks on the queue are also waiting for shawarma. Mama Indomie isn’t happy about this and so begins to complain really loudly arguing that "Indomie is N50, schwarma is N300, Indomie will be ready in 5 mins, shawarma in 30mins". She concludes that the same way we are queuing to buy shawarma is the same way we will be queuing to “shit” the next day.

Some girls on the queue tell her to quit the shit talk. Instead, Mama Indomie peps it up and argues that if you buy her Indomie, you wont even shit as much as if you buy schwarma. Whats more, she adds, the shit from Indomie is smooth and easy. In her words “ Indomie is thin, your bottom go just remove am jejely. It will come out like this rere! rere! rere!.. But shawarma, e go dey fire your bottom and it will be like you are bombing the toilet. Then she makes sounds like Gbosa! Pa! Po! Boom! Gba! to buttress her point. We laugh!

She said "you think I am joking, ask my brother on the queue" and points to me. No not me please Mama Indomie, I am a law student not a shit expert. She continued “my brother eats shawarma regularly and that is why he is thin. He has used all his power to shit... Abi my broda I dey lie? She mistook my silence/slight smile as a go ahead. "My brother is a regular eater of this thing and so he is also a regular shitter. I am sure his shit na 3 square shit. Morning session, Afternoon session and night o". I dont respond and she thinks I dont get her humour and explains that "3 square shit" has been derived from "3 square meals".

Thankfully, my shawarma was ready. I paid quickly and Mama Indomie waved at me wishing me a safe journey to my room and an even safer journey to the toilet the next day.

Deep Shit 2 !!

2009-01-22T16:34:00.000+01:00

Blessed is the Nigeria Law School student
Who walketh not in the counsel of unserious students
Nor standeth in the way of idlers
Nor sitteth in the seat of the reckless
But whose delight is in all the law courses
And in them does he meditate day and night

He shall be like some past students
Who through day and night reading
Earned first class and second class upper
But the idle students are not so
Therefore they shall not proudly stand
Before the justices of the Supreme Court
To shake hands with them with joy
On the glorious call to bar day.

This law school version of the beatitudes has been spotted in strategic parts of the school. All I can say is that I've got my work cut out for me although I also think the author must be some masochist. I mean how can one "delight in the law courses" and "meditate on it day and night". When its not ice cream?
I am considering adding "Nor watcheth Africa Magic all day" after the 4th line and then putting it in one large frame that would hang in my hostel common room. Good idea methinks!

Sizzling Hot Babe wanted !!!

2009-01-14T07:06:00.000+01:00

Handsome, Honest and Eligible London based banker is looking for that special lady.

Very shy and may seem intellectual or boring at first, get 2 know me and you’ll be swept away by my quick wit and humour.

In my late 20s and got the looks of a stunning male model (its hard 2 imagine I am human), although I must admit, am slightly overweight.

I am quite adventurous and I love travelling. Have been to 5 continents already.

I love life, I love to laugh and I love 2 dance (although I am a hopeless dancer) .

What I cant do on the dance floor, I make up for in the kitchen. I am an exquisite cook. Give me a wok pan and I work wonders with it.

I also enjoy fine dining . My dining interest varies from the finest a la carte cuisine to the most traditional egusi soup.

So if it sounds like I tickle your fancy, float your boat or razzle your dazzle (ok! I bullshit sometimes), get in touch!

DEEP SHIT !!!

2008-12-24T16:06:00.000+01:00

I seriously worry about the future of this country o. We will be in deep shit in the future if we are not careful.

Well, guess who got a brand new flat screen tv in his hostel common room? I did. Nothing wrong with that, I hear you say. Well, guess what channel the tv is always on ? NTA you murmur. NOPE. Do you want to phone a friend or go 50-50. Nope its not National Geographic or UK Gold either?

Wait for it .................................. .............BLOODY AFRICA MAGIC!!!!!

The only exception is at weekends when the “Africa Magic Daily Watchers” club show some sympathy and let us watch premiership football. As soon as the football is over, the channel switches to Africa Magic again and the remote control mysteriously disappears.

This isn’t a dig at Africa Magic. Truthfully, I enjoy shows like Moments with Mo and Living It. However, I do have a problem with the vast majority of the movies they show. Nonetheless, I accept that its a free world and people have a right to watch garbage if they desire.

What I cant get my head around is why men who are aspiring lawyers will wake up early in the morning OR skip class during the day OR rush as soon as class is over to get a seat in our common room so that they can watch Africa Magic. I mean! These are GROWN ASS MEN!!!

I was lamenting about my misfortune to a friend and I think I irked the lady next to him. She said I should show a little more gratitude. Her hostel had also been installed with a flat screen tv too but unlike ours, their own has never worked. “At least you can watch home video daily” she said.

Excuse me ma! Please have a read through your admission letter again. Did it say Dear “Daily Home Video watcher”, you have been admitted to the Nigeria Law School where we expect you to watch a few law classes and bag a first class degree in home video watching. I DONT THINK SO!!!. We did not come here to watch home video Madam so why should the tv is my hostel be perpetually stationed at Africa Magic. A bit of variety wouldn’t be bad, would it ?

Very soon, these Men will be regaling their kids with tales of how they were always reading whilst they were in the law school. I hope they don’t tell their kids this lie in my presence because I will not be silent. I will say “ Nne Bros! Which kin talk be dat. No lie now. Na Africa Magic u dey always watch. You don watch am so much, u don they think say the common room wey you dey watch am na library”.

Statistics show that a significant proportion of those in influential positions in business and politics in this country have been through the law school. I suspect this is also the aspiration of some of these men. You can see why I think this country will be in deep shit in the future. If we knock the heads of these men, all that will fly out of it will be Aki, Paw Paw, Ini, Patience, Omotola, Ramsey etc etc! After that, I think their heads will be empty o. Even if there is any substance, I am not sure they will do any work when they get influential. These men will turn their offices to Africa Magic central and would be watching daily during office hours.

So my friends, lets prevent this country from sliding into deep shit. More importantly, lets make my stay in Bwari slightly more pleasurable. Please give me ideas on how we can ensure that my hostel tv will not always be on Africa Magic next term.

Monkey Dey Work! Baboon Dey Chop!!!!

2008-11-28T07:09:00.000+01:00

In this scenario, I am quite clearly the diligent monkey and the “baboon” I am going to moan about is Crooksy. Its not his real name but I gave him the name because he is a first class crook and everything about him oozes crookedness. Crooksy and his ilk at the Nigeria Law School are a necessary evil but I am worried that they are fast depleting my hard earned cash.

Ok! I am a student but I did work briefly during my holiday. In any case, I term squeezing money from my Dad's pocket as serious work in itself. Some days, the man has deep pockets but unfortunately, he has really short arms. It is serious hardwork to get his short arms to reach the depth of his pocket and flash me some cash.

Anyway, back to Crooksy. Take for example, the experience we had on the 1st day of the new term. I had just gone through what would easily win the award for the world's longest and pointless registration process. I had been allocated my new room. The heat was piercing and I just wanted to have a quick shower and then go and hunt for someone or something to eat. I walk into my new bathroom and no need for me to say more really. The pictures above tell the story far better.

Crooksy knocks on my door and then gives me a mighty bear hug and says “Chairman, I don miss you o! Welcome back o!" I am unprepared for this new term, early afternoon ass licking and so I quickly switch the topic to how dirty my bathroom is and how I need to have a quick bath. Crooksy goes to inspect the bathroom and comes back flashing his cheeky grin and gives me the assurance that he can clean the place up.

He walks away and then says “Chairman, please give me N5 000”. I am like "For what Crooksy?". He is like "to wash am now ". Clearly stunned by Crooksy's hefty sum, my tone quickly switches to Victorian/Shakespearean mode "What dost thou need 5grand for". Chairman, he says. " This washing na serious wan o. I wan attack am well. I wan go buy vim, omo, morning fresh, elephant, jet blue, taiwan blue, macleans etc.". I admit that the bathroom is in a state but I really dont see the point of buying all these stuff. I mean "Macleans" is a toothpaste but Crooksy's logic is that its ad on tv says it can turn anything to white. In any case, I slash his budget to N500. He buys what he can, washes it and the bathroom looks better.

There is no water running from the shower(Surprise! Surprise!). I ask Crooksy to give me back the drum which I used to store water last term and gave him to keep on my behalf. He gives me a sheepish grin and then writes N2 000 on a sheet of paper. I ask for some clarification. Crooksy says that this is the age of "due process" and so the N2 000 is the figure that I will pay him to get the drum. Apparently, writing it on a sheet of paper makes him more professional. I am too tired to argue but I am puzzled because I bought the drum from this dude at the beginning of last term and it did not make sense to carry it home at the end of the term so I asked him to keep it for me. Now dude wants to sell me my own property.

I remind him about this but Crooksy says I did not buy the drum but merely leased it. He asks me if I know what a lease is and even before I answer he gives me this explanation: His daughters can be likened to a lease because they are only in his house for a period of time but their ultimate destination is their husband's house but his wife on the other hand can be likened to a sale because he paid her bride price and she is a full time member of his house. On a good day, I would fight for my right but on this day, I needed the drum and water and so I gave him the money.

He brought the drum and then said "Chairman, please award me this contract". I misunderstood him completely and told him that no one in my house works for Nigeria's government. Actually he means I should award him the contract to supply my room with water for the whole academic session. I chuckle at his use of language and think “this baboon is really taking his professionalism to another level”. My room mate cant hack it anymore. My room mate whispers to me that he is going for a short walk but if he returns and sees me still negotiating with this “glorified water fetcher”, he will kick both of us out of the room.

I tell Crooksy that he should not have anything to fear, he is my MAN and he should consider the contract sealed. He then writes N10 000 on a sheet of paper. THE CHEEK!!! Thats well beyond what my room mate and I were willing to pay. I ask Crooksy why he is charging us so much and he gives me some funny explanation about banks in America “falling gbogodo”. Pray tell, what is the correlation between Lehman/Bear Stearns etc falling and my own water supply. After my drum lease experience with him, I don’t ask for any explanation. We argue, We haggle, We negotiate and then re-negotiate but he still succeeds in getting some money out of us.

He looks quite pleased with himself and then stands to get out. His face was wearing that his dirty smile and he gives me a military salute and then says “I remain loyal to your government sir”. I muster a smile. Actually, I am thinking “Must you in the name of loyalty rip me off as well as take my left arm and right leg”. BARAWO!!!