Dont look back, Keep Walking!!!!!

A few months ago I qualified as a lawyer and I was called to the Nigerian Bar. Although it has always been my childhood dream, it felt and still feels like a bit of an anti climax. Perhaps, its what I had to experience before I could accomplish the goal.


Right from about the age of 9 or so I decided that I was going to be a lawyer. When other kids were changing their future ambition and hoping to be teachers, actors, firemen/policemen, lawyers, doctors and Michael Jackson all in one day, I stuck to my law and never wavered. While they were watching Tom and Jerry and other cartoons, I was busy watching law drama series and movies.


I watched Denzel Washington’s outstanding performance as Tom Hanks lawyer in the movie, "Philadelphia". In that role, Denzel was everything I hoped to be: charming, persuasive, eloquent and forthright – I was convinced I had found my calling. My most memorable part of the movie is when Denzel cross examines a witness and then ends with “Explain that to me like I am a four year old” after he has nailed the witness. I would go into our bathroom and pretend that it was a courtroom with the toothpaste on the left as the jury and the toothbrush on the right serving as the Judge and the mirror would be the witness that I was cross examining. I would also end my stellar performance in front of the mirror with “explain it to me like I am a four year old”.



By the time I got into secondary school, I was more aware about the happenings in the country. Abacha was the Head of State and his greatest opposition was from the lawyers. In particular one man stood out, the late Gani Fawehinmi. He was known as the conscience of the nation. My muslim name is Gani and so when anyone asked why I wanted to be a lawyer, I would be like “Duh, my name is Gani” as if everyone whose name is Gani is a lawyer or destined to be one. My Dad took me to the chambers of a prominent lawyer and told him I wanted to be a lawyer. The lawyer gave me advice and the most money I had ever received in my life at that time. I thought that if a lawyer could give so much money to a young boy he was meeting for the first time, the lawyer and all lawyers must be very rich. "I must to be a lawyer o! Who know want plenty money!!!! "


As I was a shy kid, I began to participate in public speaking contests, drama and debates to polish my lawyerly skills. I also started speaking like a lawyer, in other words, chatting shit or twisting arguments. If someone in school said something nasty about me, I would say “you have just slandered me”. If someone said something untrue, I would shout “fallacy”. If I was caught disobeying the school rules and I was asked to explain myself, I would say “I plead the fifth”. If anyone complimented me for what I wore or anything else , instead of saying thank you, I would say “guilty as charged”.


Eventually, I got into university to study my darling law. The first week was like hell. I found the lectures so boooooooooring. I thought it would get better but it got worse. My mind wandered during every lecture and I really became disillusioned with law. It was a struggle reading my textbooks – I read everything else but my textbooks. Nonetheless, I scaled through my first and second year exams. However, in my final year, I made a silly mistake during the exam period that cost me dearly and so I failed. I couldn’t graduate with my peers and I would have to redo my finals the next summer. I felt crushed. I had never had to do redo exams since I started primary school and it particularly hurt that it was when I was on the verge of getting my law degree that this had to happen.


I didn’t know how to handle it all and I was terribly sad although I maintained a strong exterior. My family was wonderful. They stood by me and encouraged me. My Dad told me that even in my pain, I must learn to share in other people’s joy – He gave me money and asked me to host friends who were graduating in the flat. I obeyed him and for three consecutive weekends, I had a mini shindig for graduating friends. Some of these friends were great too. They were churning positive phrases by the second - “delay is not denial”, “its not how low a man falls but how high he rises again", "turn your hurts into halos", "turn your failure into fortune" etc etc etc. They might as well have been speaking Swahili or talking dirty- all their words were going right over my head.


I just kept wondering why ? why me ? why now? I took my finals again the next year and I passed but it wasn’t like I had exceptional results. I never quite recovered from the pain of the previous year. Sometimes life is going to hit you with a brick. It really comes in different forms and it could be failure, loss, regret, sickness or whatever. Dont make the mistake I made : dont wallow in self pity and be so focused on the pain or loss that you let the past hurt your present and jeopardise the future. Christians will say "let go and let God!"and it has always worked for me. My God has been incredibly faithful.



Sadly, this blog has to come to an end. It was supposed to be a journal about my law school experience for most of my friends who are not here. Truth be told, my friends hardly read the blog. If there are no pictures of hot chicks, its hard to get them to read anything. However, fellow bloggers read and commented most times. I am grateful to you all, you made blogging fun. I wish you all the best as you walk your unique path through life: remember dont look back, just keep walking!

Mama Ni Yen (2)

Its a little late but I was busy preparing for exams. Enjoy.

1) A female counsel stood up to move an application. After she had spoken for a while, Mama asked her "How are you doing Elizabeth?". Counsel replied and said "I am fine ma but my name is not Elizabeth." Mama said "This one that you are speaking with an accent, I thought you were the Queen of England." The lady replied with a smile that its her natural accent. Mama then asked what university she went and she said OAU Ife. Mama shouted "this one that you are blowing yeye fone and grammar, you did not even study abroad, all this your accent is from watching television. Ok now we know you have dstv in your house, please speak to me like a Nigerian".


2) The lawyer was questioning his client as a witness in a divorce case. Everytime the witness was asked a question, he would go off on a tangent explaining why he hated his wife so much and end up not answering the question. His lawyer would tactically answer the question for him. This is not allowed, A lawyer can only question but not answer.After a while, Mama got angry and asked whether the lawyer was the witness? She told the lawyer that if he was so keen to answer the questions, he can go and divorce his own wife and then he'll be entitled to be a witness.


3) A lawyer was cross examining a witness in a divorce case. She was in tears but he kept tearing her apart with his nasty questions.Most folks were irritated with the lawyer's approach but we could not do anything. Mama descended into the arena and told the lawyer to chill but he was still grandstanding. She then told him to shut up and stop blaming the woman as if the man wasn't guilty. She asked if the woman was the only guilty party and the lawyer said "I wouldn't know". Mama said "you wouldn't know because upon all your gra gra, you are a woman not a man. In other words, you are a coward."


4) In the case above, the lawyer accused the wife of something nasty. Then Mama started singing "E ma ba mi le iyawo mi lo, oto ni ejo ti e ro, oto ni ejo ti e da, e ma bi le iyawo mi lo, amebo shut up your mouth, amebo shut up your mouth".(Someone pls translate).

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS AD

I should post the second part of Mama ni yen but that will come later in the week. I just have to post this ad that I saw on page 82 of today's punch.

A man is wanted for committing fraud to the tune of 46.1million naira and below is how the Nigerian Police describe the man.

"Occupation:Banker, Tribe:Yoruba, Age:49yrs, Nose: Upturned, Height:5.8, Mouth:Large, Lips:Thick, Build:Heavy, Teeth:Good, Face:Oval,Eye:Brown, Complexion:Dark, Chin:Round, Hair:Thick, Head:Large, Forehead: High, Habits and mannerisms:Playful and reading novel, Dress:English and Yoruba, Place frequented:Beer parlour"

Mama ni yen (1) !!!!

This is the term that we used to hail the Judge whose court I've been attached to in the past weeks. Judges are reputed to be firm, stern and boring. Our Judge aka Mama ni yen was everything but boring. Frankly I think she missed her calling: she should have been an entertainer.These are some of my memorable moments from Mama's court.

1) A lawyer stood up to open his case and first praised Mama for some awards she had just been given.He then asked that in view of modern practice where women are now being accepted at the Bar, would it be more appropriate to address her as "My lady" instead of "My Lord". Mama snapped. "Which yeye modern practice?, why is it that only men ask me this question? It is because they are not comfortable calling a woman My Lord. Whether you like it or not, I am your Lord." She then pointed to every male lawyer in court and chanted "I AM YOUR LORD, I AM YOUR LORD" to each and every one of them.

2) A soldier was being cross examined by a lawyer and he lost his temper and shouted at the lawyer. Mama just shouted "ehn, ehn, where do you think you are ? This is not the barracks o! Ma ju e si ewon lo ni (I will throw you in jail today). "Go and ask your seniors at the barracks about me, mo man juwon si ewon sere ni, ma ni ki won ti cell yen pa ko ju key yen nu.( I throw them in jail for fun, I'll ask them to lock up the cell and throw the key away). Soldier knelt down and started begging for forgiveness. I guess he had met his match.

3) A counsel closed her case and Mama said her closing remarks were good and that the counsel was also looking beautiful. Opposing counsel who was male stood up to complain that Mama said the female lawyer was beautiful. Mama's reply was " If I say she is beautiful, what is your business? Or you want to marry her? Is it my fault that you are not as beautiful". Everyone in court just burst into laughter.

4) A couple came to court for a divorce. It was a complex case sha but after hearing, Mama retired to write her judgement and we(students) followed her to her office. The female students now raised the point that from the couple's demeanour, they did not want a divorce. They suggested that Mama should get together with the couple and try and reconcile them. Mama said "Look at my head properly, Does it say Archbishop Desmond Tutu reconciliation committee or Justice Oputa panel, won wa kin tun won ka, ma si tu won ka. (They came to court to be separated/torn apart and I will do just that.

As usual, we hailed! Mama ni yen!

Lily livered law students !!!

"IT TAKES 15 TREES TO PRODUCE THE AMOUNT OF PAPER THAT LAW SCHOOL USES TO WRITE ONE EXAM. JOIN US IN RE-BRANDING AND SAVING NIGERIAN TREES... SAY NO TO BAR FINAL EXAMS" ANON

I have been forwarding the message above as a text message to my friends who are all stressed out because bar finals is fast approaching. I was expecting them to jump at this golden opportunity but their responses have been largely uninspiring.

"Right after you darling", "lol,let me know how it goes", "you are on your own" and "let's get our certificate first and we can then rebrand" are some of the responses I've received. What kind of spineless lawyers are we breeding ? Lawyers were at the forefront in Nigeria's struggle for independence. Lawyers fought the military regimes in Nigeria to a stand still.

I fear for my own generation. They can't even be counted on to stand up against an exam we all dread. Society should not expect much from them.

Orisirisi !!!

Orisirisi when translated to English means all sorts. That's what I experienced 2 weeks ago. I should have blogged about it in my last post but I had to first pay tribute to the world's greatest airline.

I went to MTN's office to solve a problem with my phone. There was only one baba in front of me. I didn't pay much attention till I heard him say " I WILL NOT GO TODAY TILL I COLLECT MY ONE MILLION NAIRA".
The gbeborun in me woke up.The MTN staff was telling the man that he would call security. The man told him to go ahead and then he lay on the floor saying no one will move him. He said "MTN give me the one million I won". The MTN staff, obviously annoyed, said "you did not win anything its a scam". The man said but the text has your "wesbite" on it. MTN staff corrected him and said its called a website, the website on that text is not MTN's website and we don't text our winners, we call them.

It dawned on me that the man got a text saying that he had won 1million naira in one of MTN's promotional bonanzas but the text was not from mtn and so he had not won anything. Poor Baba! He probably spent all his money the day before buying drinks for his friends thinking he was a millionaire. Maybe he was rude to his landlord, Maybe he planned to marry another wife, maybe ..... Baba thought he was a millionaire and he came to MTN with a retinue of people. Sadly, he left in tears.

I was driving back from court the next day and I stopped at Butterfield's bakery to get piping hot bread to keep me company whilst navigating through horrible traffic.I had to sit at the lobby for them to bring the bread from the oven. As soon as I sat the guy next to me said with a strong american accent "My o my, what a handsome,adorable man you are .. the last time I saw a face so beautiful and radiant was during Obama's inaugaration" and then he sort of caressed my hand.

Why o why? Why isn't a babe telling me this ? My initial thought was that gay guys are more bold these day. I wished I was wearing a shirt that said "No offence sir, I like boobs and you don't have any". I just pretended to the guy that I did not understand english and politely stood up. It turned out he was trying to sell me something but don't come at with that kind of style next time.

The other day, I went to the market to get some cds. By the time I got back to the car, one of the tyres had been clamped so I could not move.Some men wearing the state waste management authority uniform approached me. Apparently, I should not have parked where I did and my fine was N25 000.

I asked them if there was a no parking sign there or around there. They said NO! I asked if the car was obstructing traffic, they said NO. So I asked in yoruba "Bawo ni e se le dagba toyi ke ma le lorun?" (how can you be so old and not be able to think?). Actually, I wanted to say "how can you be so old and so daft?"but my yoruba failed me at that moment.In any case, they were waste management people, should they not be responsible for ensuring the dirty city is clean instead of clamping innocent people's car.

They did not budge. I told them I did not have the money. So they said they will take anything. I told them that I had nothing and that they could take the car. I spoke to their conscience and eventually started walking off mumbling that I was going to get my whole household to swear for them. It shall not be well with them! They quickly called me back and said I could drive the car. They probably thought I am a member of some powerful babalawo family.

Aero Wonderful! Aero Beautiful! Aero Marvellous!

If I was paid N1 for every time I heard the phrase "credit crisis" or "economic meltdown", I will be a millionaire now. My response has always been "economic meltdown, what economic meltdown?, not in naija men. We really don't have a credit culture, few mortgages etc.

I've been eating my words lately. Everything is on the high side these days and I've been told "economic meltdown" is responsible.Fuel is scarce and selling at N100 instead of N65. Na meltdown and subsidy something cause am.

I went to a supermarket to get the things I had priced the week before and the prices had gone up. The exercise book was N1000(from 750), shaving blades were N1650(from N1000) and rechargeable lamp was N3 500(from N2 500). I didn't plan for this increase and so dropped an item but I was warned by the shop attendant that its price might have risen the next time I come to buy.

Then Aerocontractors (Nigerian airline known as AER0 ) came into the scene to buck this horrible trend of price increases.It started some weeks before vals day and Aero was selling its tickets at N2 500 return. As in this was cheaper than luxurious buses. Men, love was in the air (no pun intended). Since then aero has still kept its prices low so far you buy the tickets 2 weeks in advance. Its flights within Nigeria cost as little as N7000 return whilst other airlines are still charging between 16000 and N22 OOO.You can also go to Ghana for N7 OOO too.

These shop owners can raise their prices all they like. I will just wait till the end of the month and fly into Ghana one morning to buy all the things I need and then get the evening flight back. It might work out cheaper. Now, that's a thought!