Mama Ni Yen (2)

Its a little late but I was busy preparing for exams. Enjoy.

1) A female counsel stood up to move an application. After she had spoken for a while, Mama asked her "How are you doing Elizabeth?". Counsel replied and said "I am fine ma but my name is not Elizabeth." Mama said "This one that you are speaking with an accent, I thought you were the Queen of England." The lady replied with a smile that its her natural accent. Mama then asked what university she went and she said OAU Ife. Mama shouted "this one that you are blowing yeye fone and grammar, you did not even study abroad, all this your accent is from watching television. Ok now we know you have dstv in your house, please speak to me like a Nigerian".


2) The lawyer was questioning his client as a witness in a divorce case. Everytime the witness was asked a question, he would go off on a tangent explaining why he hated his wife so much and end up not answering the question. His lawyer would tactically answer the question for him. This is not allowed, A lawyer can only question but not answer.After a while, Mama got angry and asked whether the lawyer was the witness? She told the lawyer that if he was so keen to answer the questions, he can go and divorce his own wife and then he'll be entitled to be a witness.


3) A lawyer was cross examining a witness in a divorce case. She was in tears but he kept tearing her apart with his nasty questions.Most folks were irritated with the lawyer's approach but we could not do anything. Mama descended into the arena and told the lawyer to chill but he was still grandstanding. She then told him to shut up and stop blaming the woman as if the man wasn't guilty. She asked if the woman was the only guilty party and the lawyer said "I wouldn't know". Mama said "you wouldn't know because upon all your gra gra, you are a woman not a man. In other words, you are a coward."


4) In the case above, the lawyer accused the wife of something nasty. Then Mama started singing "E ma ba mi le iyawo mi lo, oto ni ejo ti e ro, oto ni ejo ti e da, e ma bi le iyawo mi lo, amebo shut up your mouth, amebo shut up your mouth".(Someone pls translate).

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS AD

I should post the second part of Mama ni yen but that will come later in the week. I just have to post this ad that I saw on page 82 of today's punch.

A man is wanted for committing fraud to the tune of 46.1million naira and below is how the Nigerian Police describe the man.

"Occupation:Banker, Tribe:Yoruba, Age:49yrs, Nose: Upturned, Height:5.8, Mouth:Large, Lips:Thick, Build:Heavy, Teeth:Good, Face:Oval,Eye:Brown, Complexion:Dark, Chin:Round, Hair:Thick, Head:Large, Forehead: High, Habits and mannerisms:Playful and reading novel, Dress:English and Yoruba, Place frequented:Beer parlour"

Mama ni yen (1) !!!!

This is the term that we used to hail the Judge whose court I've been attached to in the past weeks. Judges are reputed to be firm, stern and boring. Our Judge aka Mama ni yen was everything but boring. Frankly I think she missed her calling: she should have been an entertainer.These are some of my memorable moments from Mama's court.

1) A lawyer stood up to open his case and first praised Mama for some awards she had just been given.He then asked that in view of modern practice where women are now being accepted at the Bar, would it be more appropriate to address her as "My lady" instead of "My Lord". Mama snapped. "Which yeye modern practice?, why is it that only men ask me this question? It is because they are not comfortable calling a woman My Lord. Whether you like it or not, I am your Lord." She then pointed to every male lawyer in court and chanted "I AM YOUR LORD, I AM YOUR LORD" to each and every one of them.

2) A soldier was being cross examined by a lawyer and he lost his temper and shouted at the lawyer. Mama just shouted "ehn, ehn, where do you think you are ? This is not the barracks o! Ma ju e si ewon lo ni (I will throw you in jail today). "Go and ask your seniors at the barracks about me, mo man juwon si ewon sere ni, ma ni ki won ti cell yen pa ko ju key yen nu.( I throw them in jail for fun, I'll ask them to lock up the cell and throw the key away). Soldier knelt down and started begging for forgiveness. I guess he had met his match.

3) A counsel closed her case and Mama said her closing remarks were good and that the counsel was also looking beautiful. Opposing counsel who was male stood up to complain that Mama said the female lawyer was beautiful. Mama's reply was " If I say she is beautiful, what is your business? Or you want to marry her? Is it my fault that you are not as beautiful". Everyone in court just burst into laughter.

4) A couple came to court for a divorce. It was a complex case sha but after hearing, Mama retired to write her judgement and we(students) followed her to her office. The female students now raised the point that from the couple's demeanour, they did not want a divorce. They suggested that Mama should get together with the couple and try and reconcile them. Mama said "Look at my head properly, Does it say Archbishop Desmond Tutu reconciliation committee or Justice Oputa panel, won wa kin tun won ka, ma si tu won ka. (They came to court to be separated/torn apart and I will do just that.

As usual, we hailed! Mama ni yen!

Lily livered law students !!!

"IT TAKES 15 TREES TO PRODUCE THE AMOUNT OF PAPER THAT LAW SCHOOL USES TO WRITE ONE EXAM. JOIN US IN RE-BRANDING AND SAVING NIGERIAN TREES... SAY NO TO BAR FINAL EXAMS" ANON

I have been forwarding the message above as a text message to my friends who are all stressed out because bar finals is fast approaching. I was expecting them to jump at this golden opportunity but their responses have been largely uninspiring.

"Right after you darling", "lol,let me know how it goes", "you are on your own" and "let's get our certificate first and we can then rebrand" are some of the responses I've received. What kind of spineless lawyers are we breeding ? Lawyers were at the forefront in Nigeria's struggle for independence. Lawyers fought the military regimes in Nigeria to a stand still.

I fear for my own generation. They can't even be counted on to stand up against an exam we all dread. Society should not expect much from them.

Orisirisi !!!

Orisirisi when translated to English means all sorts. That's what I experienced 2 weeks ago. I should have blogged about it in my last post but I had to first pay tribute to the world's greatest airline.

I went to MTN's office to solve a problem with my phone. There was only one baba in front of me. I didn't pay much attention till I heard him say " I WILL NOT GO TODAY TILL I COLLECT MY ONE MILLION NAIRA".
The gbeborun in me woke up.The MTN staff was telling the man that he would call security. The man told him to go ahead and then he lay on the floor saying no one will move him. He said "MTN give me the one million I won". The MTN staff, obviously annoyed, said "you did not win anything its a scam". The man said but the text has your "wesbite" on it. MTN staff corrected him and said its called a website, the website on that text is not MTN's website and we don't text our winners, we call them.

It dawned on me that the man got a text saying that he had won 1million naira in one of MTN's promotional bonanzas but the text was not from mtn and so he had not won anything. Poor Baba! He probably spent all his money the day before buying drinks for his friends thinking he was a millionaire. Maybe he was rude to his landlord, Maybe he planned to marry another wife, maybe ..... Baba thought he was a millionaire and he came to MTN with a retinue of people. Sadly, he left in tears.

I was driving back from court the next day and I stopped at Butterfield's bakery to get piping hot bread to keep me company whilst navigating through horrible traffic.I had to sit at the lobby for them to bring the bread from the oven. As soon as I sat the guy next to me said with a strong american accent "My o my, what a handsome,adorable man you are .. the last time I saw a face so beautiful and radiant was during Obama's inaugaration" and then he sort of caressed my hand.

Why o why? Why isn't a babe telling me this ? My initial thought was that gay guys are more bold these day. I wished I was wearing a shirt that said "No offence sir, I like boobs and you don't have any". I just pretended to the guy that I did not understand english and politely stood up. It turned out he was trying to sell me something but don't come at with that kind of style next time.

The other day, I went to the market to get some cds. By the time I got back to the car, one of the tyres had been clamped so I could not move.Some men wearing the state waste management authority uniform approached me. Apparently, I should not have parked where I did and my fine was N25 000.

I asked them if there was a no parking sign there or around there. They said NO! I asked if the car was obstructing traffic, they said NO. So I asked in yoruba "Bawo ni e se le dagba toyi ke ma le lorun?" (how can you be so old and not be able to think?). Actually, I wanted to say "how can you be so old and so daft?"but my yoruba failed me at that moment.In any case, they were waste management people, should they not be responsible for ensuring the dirty city is clean instead of clamping innocent people's car.

They did not budge. I told them I did not have the money. So they said they will take anything. I told them that I had nothing and that they could take the car. I spoke to their conscience and eventually started walking off mumbling that I was going to get my whole household to swear for them. It shall not be well with them! They quickly called me back and said I could drive the car. They probably thought I am a member of some powerful babalawo family.

Aero Wonderful! Aero Beautiful! Aero Marvellous!

If I was paid N1 for every time I heard the phrase "credit crisis" or "economic meltdown", I will be a millionaire now. My response has always been "economic meltdown, what economic meltdown?, not in naija men. We really don't have a credit culture, few mortgages etc.

I've been eating my words lately. Everything is on the high side these days and I've been told "economic meltdown" is responsible.Fuel is scarce and selling at N100 instead of N65. Na meltdown and subsidy something cause am.

I went to a supermarket to get the things I had priced the week before and the prices had gone up. The exercise book was N1000(from 750), shaving blades were N1650(from N1000) and rechargeable lamp was N3 500(from N2 500). I didn't plan for this increase and so dropped an item but I was warned by the shop attendant that its price might have risen the next time I come to buy.

Then Aerocontractors (Nigerian airline known as AER0 ) came into the scene to buck this horrible trend of price increases.It started some weeks before vals day and Aero was selling its tickets at N2 500 return. As in this was cheaper than luxurious buses. Men, love was in the air (no pun intended). Since then aero has still kept its prices low so far you buy the tickets 2 weeks in advance. Its flights within Nigeria cost as little as N7000 return whilst other airlines are still charging between 16000 and N22 OOO.You can also go to Ghana for N7 OOO too.

These shop owners can raise their prices all they like. I will just wait till the end of the month and fly into Ghana one morning to buy all the things I need and then get the evening flight back. It might work out cheaper. Now, that's a thought!

Bwari, My Bwari (2)

Bwari Supermarket (Again????!!!!) ( Sorry I could not resist)

Bwari Pottery

Bwari Pottery products on display

Kitchen products and other stuff made by Bwari Pottery

Some of our pets

Vases (I think...sorry I am not cultured) from Bwari Pottery

Some of our cribs

The Bwari Child

Bwari Area Council (Our Aso Rock, White House, 10 Downing Street, Alausa etc)