In this scenario, I am quite clearly the diligent monkey and the “baboon” I am going to moan about is Crooksy. Its not his real name but I gave him the name because he is a first class crook and everything about him oozes crookedness. Crooksy and his ilk at the Nigeria Law School are a necessary evil but I am worried that they are fast depleting my hard earned cash.
Ok! I am a student but I did work briefly during my holiday. In any case, I term squeezing money from my Dad's pocket as serious work in itself. Some days, the man has deep pockets but unfortunately, he has really short arms. It is serious hardwork to get his short arms to reach the depth of his pocket and flash me some cash.
Anyway, back to Crooksy. Take for example, the experience we had on the 1st day of the new term. I had just gone through what would easily win the award for the world's longest and pointless registration process. I had been allocated my new room. The heat was piercing and I just wanted to have a quick shower and then go and hunt for someone or something to eat. I walk into my new bathroom and no need for me to say more really. The pictures above tell the story far better.
Crooksy knocks on my door and then gives me a mighty bear hug and says “Chairman, I don miss you o! Welcome back o!" I am unprepared for this new term, early afternoon ass licking and so I quickly switch the topic to how dirty my bathroom is and how I need to have a quick bath. Crooksy goes to inspect the bathroom and comes back flashing his cheeky grin and gives me the assurance that he can clean the place up.
He walks away and then says “Chairman, please give me N5 000”. I am like "For what Crooksy?". He is like "to wash am now ". Clearly stunned by Crooksy's hefty sum, my tone quickly switches to Victorian/Shakespearean mode "What dost thou need 5grand for". Chairman, he says. " This washing na serious wan o. I wan attack am well. I wan go buy vim, omo, morning fresh, elephant, jet blue, taiwan blue, macleans etc.". I admit that the bathroom is in a state but I really dont see the point of buying all these stuff. I mean "Macleans" is a toothpaste but Crooksy's logic is that its ad on tv says it can turn anything to white. In any case, I slash his budget to N500. He buys what he can, washes it and the bathroom looks better.
There is no water running from the shower(Surprise! Surprise!). I ask Crooksy to give me back the drum which I used to store water last term and gave him to keep on my behalf. He gives me a sheepish grin and then writes N2 000 on a sheet of paper. I ask for some clarification. Crooksy says that this is the age of "due process" and so the N2 000 is the figure that I will pay him to get the drum. Apparently, writing it on a sheet of paper makes him more professional. I am too tired to argue but I am puzzled because I bought the drum from this dude at the beginning of last term and it did not make sense to carry it home at the end of the term so I asked him to keep it for me. Now dude wants to sell me my own property.
I remind him about this but Crooksy says I did not buy the drum but merely leased it. He asks me if I know what a lease is and even before I answer he gives me this explanation: His daughters can be likened to a lease because they are only in his house for a period of time but their ultimate destination is their husband's house but his wife on the other hand can be likened to a sale because he paid her bride price and she is a full time member of his house. On a good day, I would fight for my right but on this day, I needed the drum and water and so I gave him the money.
He brought the drum and then said "Chairman, please award me this contract". I misunderstood him completely and told him that no one in my house works for Nigeria's government. Actually he means I should award him the contract to supply my room with water for the whole academic session. I chuckle at his use of language and think “this baboon is really taking his professionalism to another level”. My room mate cant hack it anymore. My room mate whispers to me that he is going for a short walk but if he returns and sees me still negotiating with this “glorified water fetcher”, he will kick both of us out of the room.
I tell Crooksy that he should not have anything to fear, he is my MAN and he should consider the contract sealed. He then writes N10 000 on a sheet of paper. THE CHEEK!!! Thats well beyond what my room mate and I were willing to pay. I ask Crooksy why he is charging us so much and he gives me some funny explanation about banks in America “falling gbogodo”. Pray tell, what is the correlation between Lehman/Bear Stearns etc falling and my own water supply. After my drum lease experience with him, I don’t ask for any explanation. We argue, We haggle, We negotiate and then re-negotiate but he still succeeds in getting some money out of us.
He looks quite pleased with himself and then stands to get out. His face was wearing that his dirty smile and he gives me a military salute and then says “I remain loyal to your government sir”. I muster a smile. Actually, I am thinking “Must you in the name of loyalty rip me off as well as take my left arm and right leg”. BARAWO!!!
