Mama Indomie !!!

The objective was simple – I went to the library to read my books. I turned up at the library and as for the other objective, lets just say it was one of those days. The contents of the book did not just get into my head. I tried reading the book normally. No luck! I tried reading and jotting, No luck! I tried reading the book upside down, No luck! I imagined that the two ladies next to me were Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie and sitting next to such hotties should motivate me to read, still no luck!

I left the library frustrated and a tad bit depressed. Then Mama Indomie came to the rescue. She is my favourite person on the law school campus. Her claim to fame is that she sells Indomie Noodles. Her indomie centre is located in one small room in the school’s only shopping mall. (I am still trying 2 figure out why it is called a shopping mall given the fact that it is a single building with one small room as a supermarket and an even smaller room which Mama Indomie and her stove shares with another guy who sells shawarma.

I went to order a shawarma and Mama Indomie says “shawarma again, this is year 2009”. Then she says “My Brother let me pray for you”. I am like why now ? There is a little queue in there and she says loudly that last year “Monday, you chop shawarma, Tuesday shawarma etc till she satisfactorily lists all the days to prove that I ate shawarma daily. This isn’t accurate but the point is that she has a bone to pick with me because I have never bought her Indomie. She concludes and says “I must sell Indomie to you today In Jesus Name”.

Her prayer doesn’t quite move me, I stick to my shawarma order. Other folks on the queue are also waiting for shawarma. Mama Indomie isn’t happy about this and so begins to complain really loudly arguing that "Indomie is N50, schwarma is N300, Indomie will be ready in 5 mins, shawarma in 30mins". She concludes that the same way we are queuing to buy shawarma is the same way we will be queuing to “shit” the next day.

Some girls on the queue tell her to quit the shit talk. Instead, Mama Indomie peps it up and argues that if you buy her Indomie, you wont even shit as much as if you buy schwarma. Whats more, she adds, the shit from Indomie is smooth and easy. In her words “ Indomie is thin, your bottom go just remove am jejely. It will come out like this rere! rere! rere!.. But shawarma, e go dey fire your bottom and it will be like you are bombing the toilet. Then she makes sounds like Gbosa! Pa! Po! Boom! Gba! to buttress her point. We laugh!

She said "you think I am joking, ask my brother on the queue" and points to me. No not me please Mama Indomie, I am a law student not a shit expert. She continued “my brother eats shawarma regularly and that is why he is thin. He has used all his power to shit... Abi my broda I dey lie? She mistook my silence/slight smile as a go ahead. "My brother is a regular eater of this thing and so he is also a regular shitter. I am sure his shit na 3 square shit. Morning session, Afternoon session and night o". I dont respond and she thinks I dont get her humour and explains that "3 square shit" has been derived from "3 square meals".

Thankfully, my shawarma was ready. I paid quickly and Mama Indomie waved at me wishing me a safe journey to my room and an even safer journey to the toilet the next day.

Deep Shit 2 !!

Blessed is the Nigeria Law School student
Who walketh not in the counsel of unserious students
Nor standeth in the way of idlers
Nor sitteth in the seat of the reckless
But whose delight is in all the law courses
And in them does he meditate day and night

He shall be like some past students
Who through day and night reading
Earned first class and second class upper
But the idle students are not so
Therefore they shall not proudly stand
Before the justices of the Supreme Court
To shake hands with them with joy
On the glorious call to bar day.

This law school version of the beatitudes has been spotted in strategic parts of the school. All I can say is that I've got my work cut out for me although I also think the author must be some masochist. I mean how can one "delight in the law courses" and "meditate on it day and night". When its not ice cream?
I am considering adding "Nor watcheth Africa Magic all day" after the 4th line and then putting it in one large frame that would hang in my hostel common room. Good idea methinks!

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