Orisirisi !!!

Orisirisi when translated to English means all sorts. That's what I experienced 2 weeks ago. I should have blogged about it in my last post but I had to first pay tribute to the world's greatest airline.

I went to MTN's office to solve a problem with my phone. There was only one baba in front of me. I didn't pay much attention till I heard him say " I WILL NOT GO TODAY TILL I COLLECT MY ONE MILLION NAIRA".
The gbeborun in me woke up.The MTN staff was telling the man that he would call security. The man told him to go ahead and then he lay on the floor saying no one will move him. He said "MTN give me the one million I won". The MTN staff, obviously annoyed, said "you did not win anything its a scam". The man said but the text has your "wesbite" on it. MTN staff corrected him and said its called a website, the website on that text is not MTN's website and we don't text our winners, we call them.

It dawned on me that the man got a text saying that he had won 1million naira in one of MTN's promotional bonanzas but the text was not from mtn and so he had not won anything. Poor Baba! He probably spent all his money the day before buying drinks for his friends thinking he was a millionaire. Maybe he was rude to his landlord, Maybe he planned to marry another wife, maybe ..... Baba thought he was a millionaire and he came to MTN with a retinue of people. Sadly, he left in tears.

I was driving back from court the next day and I stopped at Butterfield's bakery to get piping hot bread to keep me company whilst navigating through horrible traffic.I had to sit at the lobby for them to bring the bread from the oven. As soon as I sat the guy next to me said with a strong american accent "My o my, what a handsome,adorable man you are .. the last time I saw a face so beautiful and radiant was during Obama's inaugaration" and then he sort of caressed my hand.

Why o why? Why isn't a babe telling me this ? My initial thought was that gay guys are more bold these day. I wished I was wearing a shirt that said "No offence sir, I like boobs and you don't have any". I just pretended to the guy that I did not understand english and politely stood up. It turned out he was trying to sell me something but don't come at with that kind of style next time.

The other day, I went to the market to get some cds. By the time I got back to the car, one of the tyres had been clamped so I could not move.Some men wearing the state waste management authority uniform approached me. Apparently, I should not have parked where I did and my fine was N25 000.

I asked them if there was a no parking sign there or around there. They said NO! I asked if the car was obstructing traffic, they said NO. So I asked in yoruba "Bawo ni e se le dagba toyi ke ma le lorun?" (how can you be so old and not be able to think?). Actually, I wanted to say "how can you be so old and so daft?"but my yoruba failed me at that moment.In any case, they were waste management people, should they not be responsible for ensuring the dirty city is clean instead of clamping innocent people's car.

They did not budge. I told them I did not have the money. So they said they will take anything. I told them that I had nothing and that they could take the car. I spoke to their conscience and eventually started walking off mumbling that I was going to get my whole household to swear for them. It shall not be well with them! They quickly called me back and said I could drive the car. They probably thought I am a member of some powerful babalawo family.

Aero Wonderful! Aero Beautiful! Aero Marvellous!

If I was paid N1 for every time I heard the phrase "credit crisis" or "economic meltdown", I will be a millionaire now. My response has always been "economic meltdown, what economic meltdown?, not in naija men. We really don't have a credit culture, few mortgages etc.

I've been eating my words lately. Everything is on the high side these days and I've been told "economic meltdown" is responsible.Fuel is scarce and selling at N100 instead of N65. Na meltdown and subsidy something cause am.

I went to a supermarket to get the things I had priced the week before and the prices had gone up. The exercise book was N1000(from 750), shaving blades were N1650(from N1000) and rechargeable lamp was N3 500(from N2 500). I didn't plan for this increase and so dropped an item but I was warned by the shop attendant that its price might have risen the next time I come to buy.

Then Aerocontractors (Nigerian airline known as AER0 ) came into the scene to buck this horrible trend of price increases.It started some weeks before vals day and Aero was selling its tickets at N2 500 return. As in this was cheaper than luxurious buses. Men, love was in the air (no pun intended). Since then aero has still kept its prices low so far you buy the tickets 2 weeks in advance. Its flights within Nigeria cost as little as N7000 return whilst other airlines are still charging between 16000 and N22 OOO.You can also go to Ghana for N7 OOO too.

These shop owners can raise their prices all they like. I will just wait till the end of the month and fly into Ghana one morning to buy all the things I need and then get the evening flight back. It might work out cheaper. Now, that's a thought!

Bwari, My Bwari (2)

Bwari Supermarket (Again????!!!!) ( Sorry I could not resist)

Bwari Pottery

Bwari Pottery products on display

Kitchen products and other stuff made by Bwari Pottery

Some of our pets

Vases (I think...sorry I am not cultured) from Bwari Pottery

Some of our cribs

The Bwari Child

Bwari Area Council (Our Aso Rock, White House, 10 Downing Street, Alausa etc)

Bwari, My Bwari (1)

Usuma Dam ( My favourite place around here )

Stella Obasanjo Child Care Trust (only street without a pothole in Bwari)

Nigerian Law School Entrance ( U like?)

Bwari Supermarket (apologies if you were expecting something like Amigos or Shoprite)

HERO !

I am currently writing a business plan and the business plan guide I am using has a self- assessment section. One of the questions it asks is Describe yourself in one word?. I cant find the right word and so I walk into the kitchen and say “Mummy, describe me in one word apart from CHARMING”.

My mum laughs out loud. She must be clearly overwhelmed by my charm. I move over to my Dad who is in a completely different part of the house and rephrase the question to “Describe me in one word”? His response was CHARMING. Phew! Even obvious to the blind. My mum joins us later and tells me I am “humble but arrogant”. "Its not your place to say you are charming", she says. First of all Mother, (notice the rapid slide from Mummy to Mum to Mother), that your description is a paradox and it is 3 words. Secondly, I was stating a fact. How about pleasant? My father concurs. My mum disagrees. "You are only pleasant to people you like, I see you more as focused than anything else".

You will be wrong for thinking only these positive words are used to describe me. Other terms like "reclusive bastard”, “weird”, “under G”, “anti social”, “bloody wanker” , “nuisance” have been thrown in for good measure and used to describe me. It really depends on who you speak to. Yet, all I ever wanted to be was a HERO. In primary school, I got my friends and foes to make up a song for me. Every time I walked into class, I was hailed with this chant, “Bwari Boy! Bwari Boy!The Hulk Hogan”. Then my head will swell to the point of bursting. Then I fell in love. At least I was convinced it was love. I wanted to be her HERO.

After summoning the courage to speak to her, she gave me a unique response. Not the usual “YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE” or “I WILL THINK ABOUT IT” that Nigerian girls famously gave in those days. She said "you are nice but I like guys with a bit of meat". I am convinced that she had no clue what this meant but was only re-echoing something she heard on tv or heard from her older sisters. Nonetheless, I was not deterred.

YOU WANT MEAT BABY, I WILL GIVE YOU MEAT. I heard some adults say that drinking coke daily will make you fat. So I started drinking coke daily. I begged, borrowed and stole so I could have my daily dose of coke and okin biscuit. After a while, I still wasn’t Schwarzenegger so I upgraded to maltina which I heard made you fat too. My dressing changed as well. I started wearing more sleeveless tops and basketball jerseys so my lover could see my exquisite muscles (think Popeye). I look back now and I laugh. Ah! The things we do for the approval of others. Not sure whether it was peer pressure, insecurity or sheer stupidity but I was a victim and 1st class people pleaser.

As I grew older, I realised my ambition to be a HERO was just a fantasy but somehow I reconnected with another HERO. Then I became a recipient of unconditional love. I became remarkably self assured. It didn’t really matter what people thought anymore. Then I became free. Free to be me and boy! Did I push the freedom envelope. I became less materialistic and it did not matter if I bought my clothes from Tejuosho Market, Carrefour or Asda. As long as I wasn’t naked, I was pleased.

My Hero is called the father of the fatherless, friend to the poor, merciful one, Prince of peace or Saviour of the world. His name is JESUS. I am not attempting to preach here nor present myself as holier than thou. A couple of days ago, My mum was complaining about the kind of music I listen to. She had a point. I cant explain why my most played artists are Tupac and Joe ( its All that I am and not All the things your man wont do o!). Lets not even talk about my jamaican dancehall collection. I guess I am still work in progress. Neither is every experience with Christ pleasant. On good Friday, I was told about the death of a family friend’s son who was too young to go. Over the weekend, the man who I was hoping would be the professional consultant for the very business I am planning for had a heart attack and died. I had read his interviews and watched him on tv. He was a young achiever, so full of promise, so full of life. Yet it was cut short. My easter was just there from then on.

Nonetheless, the Easter story is a wonderful one. Its the story of a loving God who never gave up. His love never gave up. His love never looks back and his love never dies. I write to express my appreciation for the gift of love and the joy and peace that he has given me. Its belated but ...... Happy Easter!

Help! I've been cursed!!!

Someone has cursed me! As we say here, someone has jujued/jazzed me! I suspect Afeez. He prefers to be called "Engineer Afeez". "Engineer Afeez" is the handyman who fixes car a/cs in Bwari. His business card reads Engineer Afeez, Chairman Afeezola Group of Companies. Then the business card goes on to list each company in Afeez’s empire. “Afeezola Engineering”, Afeezola Electrical, Afeezola Electric repair, Afeezola AC repair international”.

I had a problem with my car a/c and so I was directed to Afeez. As soon as I met him, it was obvious that he was a man with an exaggerated view of himself. He told me that he was a busy man but gave me his business card and asked me to call him to fix an appointment. “Oga Afeez, I don’t want to waste credit calling you, please tell me a convenient time for the appointment and I will come back then.” but he insisted I must "follow protocol".

I went back to school and then gave him a call only for him to tell me to come back in 30mins. I was angry. I mean he could just have told me to come back in 30mins, I didnt need to call him. I got there in 30mins and he was not there. I waited for a while and when it was getting too long, I called him and he told me not wait for him, he was fixing the car a/c of “Senator ABC who is a VIP and na big customer”. I called him the next day and we had a gentlemanly chat. He said he could squeeze me at the end of the day after finishing the work he is doing on “ the Minister of so and so’s” fleet of cars.

I got there at the appointed time but Afeez was nowhere to be found. I called several times but he didn’t pick up. I asked a guy who worked there where I could find Afeez. He said he didn’t know. I gave him N50 and his memory suddenly came alive. He directed me to a beer parlour that was neatly tucked in a corner opposite Afeez’s shed. I got there and Afeez was downing a bottle of star. He said I should call the next day to fix a time but from my previous experiences, I knew I could call and he could tell me nonsense like he is in America fixing “Obama’s a/c”. I promised to buy him 3 bottles of star if he fixed the a/c that evening and the offer worked. He did some work on the a/c and it started working. I paid him and he asked about the bottles of beer. "U don see mugu! My friend, get out of the car jo. You made me wait endlessly while you were enjoying your beer”. He felt duped!!!

The a/c worked properly in the morning but it stopped being effective by the afternoon when it became really hot. I had to go back to Afeez. I was certain that he would still be displeased about what occurred the previous day and may not want to fix it. My friend recommended that I go to Bwari market to hire a few thugs. He asked me to supply them with enough ogogoro and take them to Afeez’s shed to “shake him”. "By the time they shake him properly, he will fix your a/c well", my friend concluded. I settled for the less confrontational option of going with an elderly student in his own car. The elderly man pretended that his jeep had an a/c problem but Afeez could only fix it on our campus as the man had an important meeting there. Afeez jumped into the car. None of the nonsense of booking appointment etc. We went to our campus and drove straight to the police station on campus where my car was parked and its a/c waiting to be fixed.

Two policemen were standing by the car. We had become friends when I gave them a lift to Bwari weeks back. The elderly student dropped us and sped off. I told Afeez to please fix my a/c again. Anger was written all over his face but with 2 police officers watching over him, he had to work. After a while, he said the a/c had been fixed. I tested it but it was not cool enough and told him to please do it again. “Let it be so cool so that anyone who is in the car while it is on can easily sleep off”.

Since then I have been suffering from the most acute form of sleeping sickness. I sleep in class. I sleep in the library. I sleep immediately after siesta and the other day, I was nodding off whilst driving. I knew things were really bad one day when I went to the toilet to sit on my throne and before I knew it I was snoozing there too. The funny thing is I am not tired or exhausted, just permanently sleepy. I was complaining to my room mate about this sleeping disease and he advised me to “take it to the Lord in prayer”. I tried that too and I said “In Jesus Name” and slept off only to wake up the next morning to add the “Amen”.

Now I am worried that I am sleeping my future away. I need help. Any ideas? Eating the humble pie and going to pacify Afeez is not an option. Also drinks like lucozade boost, ribena, red bull and coffee have not worked so far. I have drank them and still slept immediately afterwards.

How to motivate Men to buy law books ?

In class the other day, A lecturer wanted to sell us his newly written textbook. Whilst most students did not echo it out loudly, I am sure they were thinking “Oh no – not another latin riddled book with so much legal mumbo jumbo or legal mama jama (make your choice). I am not buying it jo".

Actually, our lecturer was feigning some form of false modesty. He got his colleague to come up and market the book to students. I think his colleague did a great job, at least he succeeded in blowing some big big grammar. However, he left out a crucial piece of information. He finished his sermon and prepared to leave his pulpit when students all chorused “HOW MUCH?”. His reply was "only N2 500". This time the students did not curse the author under their breath – they loudly protested that the cost was too much. He then made the points below.

You don’t look at these things in term of the price but in terms of value. Hmm, He got our attention. For the gentlemen here, say you meet a pretty lady on the campus and you are interested & you want to take her out (Now, he really had my attention). You have to take her to Abuja town as there is nowhere to take her to in Bwari. If you take a cab from here to town, it will cost you at least N3 000 to and fro. That is more than the price of this book. Point Made!

Say you don’t even have a car and you cannot get to borrow one. You have to go by public transport. As she is a lady and you want to give her some measure of comfort, you will have to go in an El-Rufai. (El Rufai is the name given to the coach like buses in the FCT. That will cost you N200 to and fro. You will have to pay for her journey too, as she wont be sitting on your lap just yet. You might need to take one of those small taxis from the bus park to either Tantalizers or Mr Biggs. That should cost you another N200 to and fro for both of you.

When you are in Mr Biggs/Tantalizers, you know women now they cannot eat food without chicken. If she chooses fried rice and chicken, at my conservative estimate that should cost N750. You are not going watch her eat alone are you? If you choose, you are likely to choose the same thing she chose and that is another N750. After the food, you being the gentleman will ask her if she wants anything else and she being a lady will either ask for Ice cream or order a meal that she can bring back here to Bwari in a takeaway pack. By the time you add all the costs, it would be over N2 500. Again, more than the price of this book. Point made!

Now if you have a car, at least you have to fuel it for the journey to town. 10 litres is about N650. Your pretty chikita may take the liberty of inviting two of her other friends as a journey to town is always a treat for you students. Of course, when they appear for the trip you will not be pleased as their presence would spoil whatever plans you had for the evening at worst, or at best, increase the costs you might have to bear. Of course, you wont be seeing them as your love interest’s 2 friends, you will seem them as either as 2 intruders or 2 witches. There is not much you can do about it as their friend is your target and their impression of you is important. No doubt, that you will equally spend more than N2 500.

In all of these scenarios, you have invested about or over N2 500 of your money with no guaranty of success. You dont know if the lady is fertile soil or not and if your efforts will succeed in bearing fruit. Women can eat your chicken & Ice cream even when they know you dont have a chance. If you buy this book, it is yours. It will stand by you. You can read it and it should help your understanding of this course and improve your performance at the bar finals.

During the break, I went to the law school bookshop (not to buy the book I promise) and I saw a long queue of men waiting to buy the textbook. My goodness! They had seen the light!